Pain chocked up in Taylor’s throat as anxiety vibrated through their body. The thrill of being on the edge made the stress feel less like a burden but a natural reaction to what lay in front of them—the drop of what lay below where they sat. The turbulent waves of the North Pacific Ocean crashed into the rocks, weathering the stable ground under them, creating thrill-filled anxiety .
They reached up to their hair, grabbed the tie holding it together, and pulled on to release it from the loosely tight confines. The salty scented air picked up just now, blowing through the short strings, sweeping them back from their face. And all they wanted to do was pull it out so that it didn’t reach their back, only just above their broad shoulders . It would certainly make it easier to see where they fully felt free.
Taylor pushed themselves from the edge, walked off the jetty, and hopped onto the sand below. It crunched beneath the heavy shoes as they walked along the coast. The sun was just peaking over the horizon line where the two tremendous forces of nature – the sky and sea – met, illuminating the beach stroller in a glow of orange and yellow . Thankfully, no red seemed to be present, indicating a good day ahead. The sun was rising in the sky on the California coast, covering the people on the beach in its warm glow.
While it wasn’t packed as it was at high noon, surfers and runners dotted the beach, taking in what could be one of the best runs of the day for them in both of its meanings. The guys had bright-colored swim trunks that varied in both colors and patterns. The girls ranged in their looks. Some had on bikinis, covering them in the barest way possible. They usually weren’t in on the surf. The waves crashing onto the beach startled them as they relaxed their heads onto their towels with beach umbrellas already set up to provide them shade. Others had tankinis and one-piece bathing suits that seemed to be made from less flimsy materials. Most of them had surfboards in hand or were swimming around in the wake. There was a group just by the bend where the beaches’ sand dipped and turned, showcasing the weathering and erosion. They were standing around in wetsuits with a female instructor that seemed to prep them for a good dive into the depths below.
Taylor didn’t feel like they were sinking into the sand but walking above it as the moist sand. There was barely any janky movement or missteps to be found. It was as if the sand became a red carpet, almost as if they were a celebrity or royalty traveling from abroad. They were wrapped in a black and silver dress tight around the torso but became looser as one traveled down, revealing short leggings underneath, turning the dress into what felt like a tunic instead. Taylor also had light amounts of jewelry, mostly silver, to complement the dress. They had on a silver circlet decorated with knots. The silver made the green of their eyes pop up and complimented the wavy light brown hair it was rested upon. They also had a small silver bracelet that jangled every time they stepped. It made the beach denizens they passed stop to wonder where the strange noise was coming from before noticing them as they walked by. While the tunic and leggings were usually what Taylor wore, the added jewelry felt weird for them to navigate, but they were trying to look presentable for who they were here to see, someone who deserved to see them at their best.
Moist, soft sand under their feet soon turned into rockier sand as they approached the tide pools dotting the coastline, dividing the beach between the rocky cliffs above. They stepped up on the rocks in front of them. As they dipped their toes into the pool before them, they shivered. Goosebumps still formed all over their body as the sun hadn’t been up long enough to warm the water. But Taylor took a deep breath in, anyway, closing their eyes before submerging their right foot into the tide pool. The blood rushed back towards their muscles with the rush of cold water.
They could see the wave’s foam surge up behind the tide pools’ rocks as the waves crashed into them. Water drops would form onto the stones, shining like crystals like the sun. As far as they could see, rocks, weathered and shaped, hugged the coastline. Their proximity to the waves created a slippery experience for those trying to get to the beach on the other side, just as Taylor was trying to do now.
The natural movement through the water made their previous stillness feel less like relaxation and more like holding back a lifetime of aches and pains. The way they tried to hold themselves straight in the world, keeping up with their family’s expectations despite what they indeed are. Usually, in a story of this type, who they were would make them not have to live in those expectations , bucking from who they should be. But it feels like they are stuck in the family politics of the old Edwardian era instead of being in the 21st century. It doesn’t even matter that they are not in their family’s ancestral home, where the class system still seems to bind everyone.
But they’re so sick of thinking of any of that right now. They hate that they can’t give themselves a break, their thoughts just rushing in, spiraling deeper and deeper. Taylor wishes they could prevent it, not just through the medication that their family only accepts so that they can seem “normal” to the rest of the world. It’s never about their well-being, never about their thoughts and opinions. Maybe, Taylor thought that letting their thoughts spiral is a good thing, ultimately let themselves become just another young, dumb teenager being a rebel without a cause. But right now, they couldn’t manage it in the moment, but Taylor’s thoughts kept getting heavier and heavier. All they wanted to do was to shove everything that hurts them out of sight and out of mind. They’re trying to process all of it as the lump in their throat caused by the thrill is growing larger and larger, panicking Taylor into a panic until they’re found unconscious several hours later. Taylor almost finds that thought appealing, before scrambling to grab the headphones that they know are in their bag.
But as they reach to pull them out of the bag, Taylor feels their hands rub along the smooth, furred skin hidden in their bag. They gasp, taking in a deep breath. They almost forgot they had the pelt in their panic, but why would they? They never wanted this skin to fall into any unwanted hands and if they truly wanted to get away from their family, the last thing Taylor would want is a way to keep them trapped there. Their family would exploit that weakness in that they all share but would use it against the one they despise.
It made their small rebellions feel like petty childhood games to the wider world, taking on all their family’s scorn until it becomes their own to bear. But in a few months, it wouldn’t matter. Their skin, their pelt. It would no longer be theirs to be given freely as they choose. It would become their betrothed’s to be gifted and would only give their pelt as he saw fit. They would be forced to stay by their husband’s side, not being able to leave as they keep having to pop out children for their families. Taylor thought that past legends and tales would place fear of that in their family, but Taylor had to be born into a family that was twisted and sick. Those stories were not viewed as a curse or a tragedy when the unwanted gifting of the pelt would be to another of their own family, not one stolen by a human.
And of course, it would always be a “he”. Despite the rest of the underground’s acceptance of other sexual and gender identities, their family just had to continue being stuck in a human-like mentality. And given the successes in civil rights, that sentiment felt offensive to try to compare their family to that hard-fought progress. Their name was theirs, even if they were repeatedly misgendered, deadnamed, etc. Taylor was who they were and who they would become as they grew up. They were not their little princess, confused and misguided by the nonsense in the human world.
They continued to slip into tide pools, wading through the knee-deep waters, trying to avoid provoking any claws in their direction. Their destination was the rocky alcove on the other side of the pools. Technically, the beach extended from their location, which looked more like what you think of when someone says they’re heading to the beach, versus the rocky stretch of tidal pools. But, on the other side, the land beyond the seashore started to elevate, creating a cliffy beach alcove that no one could make the venture out to at high tide, being swept away under the tides.
Taylor’s cousin had expressed interest in meeting up to go for a swim. She was someone in Taylor’s family that they could admire. She was the black sheep of their family, but given who their family was, that was admirable. Taylor wished every day that they were as brave as their cousin, who got out and was now swimming freely in this vast ocean with the people she loved. She eventually got disowned by their family, but in the end, it didn’t matter to her.
Taylor hadn’t seen them in forever since she had been traveling around the world with her friends. They had all used to hang out with each other together in Los Angeles before deciding to document their adventures, snorkeling and swimming, and free diving all over the world. They did have a house they lived in Australia, where one of them was from, but that house wasn’t used as enough as one would think. Thankfully, even though Taylor was taking their sweet time, soaking in the day that was ahead of them, they didn’t see them in front of them.
Taylor sat down, leaning against the rocks, as they looked out towards the ocean. As the sun shined on them, Taylor felt their eyes start to shut. They shouldn’t have stayed up last night on their cell phone, watching videos late into the night. As they started to drift off, they noticed something large moving in the water. They shook their head while springing up to see the large object in the water get closer and closer. The object started to resemble a moving surfboard from a distance, but as Taylor got closer and closer to the shoreline, the shape started to resemble something familiar. And finally, a fur seal started to push itself onto the beach.
Taylor bent down from a distance. As a fellow selkie, most seals were friendly towards them, so the risk for attack was low. But, no one, no matter the species, wanted someone they didn’t know too close to them.
“Rachel. Is that you?”
The seal nodded her head, leaned up as much as she could, and started to shake her body to get all of the water off. Suddenly, what was once flippers became the sleeves of a brown fur coat with hands sticking out of them. Her body became longer as human legs grew under them. The fur shrunk back into just a coat adorning the human figure sitting on the beach. A middle-aged woman sat before her, long, blonde curls cascaded in front of her face as they blew in the ocean breeze.
“Taylor!” Rachel smiled. “It’s so good to see you again. Just give me one minute.”
Rachel stood up and grabbed a bag that was tied around her back. She then adjusted her coat, walking towards the nearest cave. After a couple of minutes, Rachel returned, the pelt was nowhere to be found.
“Sorry. You would think magic would make that easier.” Rachel said, stopping in front of Taylor.
Taylor rushed toward their cousin, giving her a big hug as they rested their head on Rachel’s shoulder. ‘It’s been so long. Things have gotten worse since we last talked.”
Rachel rolled her eyes. “Oh, God. What have they done now?”
“They keep talking of a betrothal. With who? I have no clue.” Taylor responded. “And they just keep misgendering me. They say that I’m their princess and they need to find my prince.”
“God, I can’t even sympathize with that part. Sorry, Taylor.” Rachel pulled them closer, hugging them tighter.
“Well, it helps when you say my name. I feel respected when I hear that. And honestly, I would rather feel validated by you than them.” Taylor said. “I don’t even want to get married in the first place.”
Rachel stepped back, looking at Taylor. “Really?”
“Yeah. It’s called asexuality, but if they don’t accept me being non-binary, they won’t accept this from me.” Taylor said. “I’m prepared to pack up all my things and get disowned.”
“God, I’ve had an influence on you, haven’t I?” Rachel smirked, crossing her arms. “Well, if you really want to, the door’s open for you.”
“Thank you.” Taylor grabbed onto their elbows, looking down shyly. They then looked up towards Rachel. “Are you sure your friends will be okay with that?”
Rachel laughed. “You kidding? They’ll be fine with it. They helped me escape our family’s abuse years ago. They would be more than happy to help.”
Taylor looked out at the ocean. “Where are they now? I assume you didn’t swim here on your own.”
“They are currently at the marina. We just got out of Customs. They dropped me off offshore and I swam here.” Rachel explained.
Taylor opened their mouth to speak, but then stopped and looked away.
Rachel turned towards them, “What is it?”
“I know that you just swam here and just changed, but, do you think that we could go for a swim?” Taylor asked.
Rachel turned to face the ocean, then shrugged “Would have preferred for you to me earlier, but it’s fine.” She pulled the pelt out of the bag “Anyone looking in this direction?”
Taylor, while pulling out their own pelt, looked toward the people on the beach, then shook their head “Nope. If we go into the water without changing right away, we should be fine. The rocks covered you before when you changed, so no one spotted anything.”
Rachel released a breath she didn’t know she was holding. “Alright.” She gestured to the water. “After you then.”
Taylor started to wade in, feeling the cold water move further up their body as they moved in more and more. As they started to shiver, the warmness of the pelt felt more appealing, and they pulled it closer to their body. They heard splashing behind them as Rachel moved through the water as well. She came up beside them. They looked at each other before diving into the world, fully submerging themselves in the water as well as their coats.
When swimming this close to the shore, they always had to look out for plastics . Rachel always said it didn’t matter where they go anymore. Finding pollution was easy for them under the surface. Even when the open ocean looked pristine and clear, a quick dive would reveal the illusion for what it was. It was especially dangerous for creatures who could be easily exposed if they were caught or be stuck in a life of captivity, whether stuck as a seal or experimented upon as a shapeshifter.
The freedom that Taylor hoped to grasp was always farther and farther in its reach, whether it’s their family or the freedom and shelter the oceans provide. But, maybe Taylor doesn’t have to work to achieve that freedom alone.
